Krad's Personal Hell
by TheNameWhichInvolvesEverything
Summary: Dark meets Magnus Bane meets Krad meets haircut... Can you guess what happens after Dark binds Krad's magic and sends him to Magnus for a long overdue makeover? Light cursing, Satodai, Malec. Death Note characters makes a short appearance.


Nati: We own nothing but the plot. So sad. Ummm, Cassandra? Other guys? Umm, so, do you think you could bequeath them to us? Please? We'll feed them every day. And walk them. Oh wait. That's fish.

Shizuka: No, it's not. Fish don't walk, Nati-chan.

Nati-chan: Ohhh...I know. I was just...kidding. Well, let's get onto the story.

Shizuka: Were you thinking of cats? Because cats are awesome. :) :) :)

Nati-chan: Ummm, Shizuka-san? You don't walk cats either...

Both: Hmmm...what is that? Ummm...OH! Alpacas!

PS. We weren't high when we wrote this–we were at school.

Warning: kinda OOC. Like, a lot. And a crap-load of crossovers. And SatoDai. Definite Malec. 3

Shizuka: And anatomically incorrect cats... *cough* Chairman Meow *cough* thumbs

Nati-chan: I'm not 100% sure he's a cat... tengo miedo.

"!" Krad screeched.

"What. Is. _That_?" asked Magnus disdainfully, looking at the blonde angel. "Dark, I do believe you have gone officially insane, old friend. You want me to make _that _fashionable? It can't be done!" Magnus shed a tear. "He's too far gone. That _horrid_ coat." He shuddered.

Dark sighed, shaking his head. "I know. Trust me. But it's necessary."

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "I'll need a few weeks and a pair of hedge clippers."

Krad wildly clutched at his hair protectively, glaring at the two... creatures... in front of him.

"But I need him back tomorrow!"

"Do you want this done or do you want it done right?" Magnus looked at Krad in disgust.

"Well, I'm was thinking, you're an all powerful, zexy, fashion crazed, bi-sexual warlock, so, you have 24 hours. And I tied his magic, so you don't have to worry about dying from that! Good luck!" Then he passed out and a very amused looking redhead stood in his place.

"For once, I really appreciate Dark taking over my body. When Dark and Krad fight, by the end of it, I always get whacked by that stupid cross. So, Magnus? Hack it off. Now, I have a date to get ready for."

_I thought that your date with Creepy Boy was tomorrow._

_It is_, Daisuke thought back. _But I don't wanna become Magnus' next Barbie doll. If Magnus is anything like you said, it's time to get outta here. _

_So true. _He paused. _Crap! He's thinking. Get out! Abort, abort!_

A voice called from behind Daisuke, "Hey, Daisuke, I was thinking. Do you want to help me, Alec, and Chairman Meow with the victim- I mean, lucky guy?"

_Geez. What do I do? _Daisuke looked at the Alec guy from behind Magnus. He was shaking his head like he was trying to make it fall off. He mouthed to me, "Get the hell out of here! Run!"

He looked to Magnus and said, "Hey, Blondie's trying to escape! Look at the fire escape!" And there Krad was, half way out the window, his hands and feet still duct-taped together. Cursing, he tried to spread his wings only to find himself surrounded by blue fire.

Daisuke took this as a gift from God, and ran through the door while the warlock had his attentions on the angel.

"Satoshi-sama! Save me! Change us back!"

Safely inside his own mind, Satoshi was laughing, from true glee for once. "But Kraddykinz, I really think this is necessary for your image. I mean, if," Krad gave an angry growl. "I mean, _when_ you take over the world you really must have some connections. And learn to deal with people without throwing an energy ball at them." With an evil grin he added, "I mean, look at Dark. He is the idol of the criminal world, and even many on the right side of the law. Even _I _like him."

"THAT'S A LIE!"

Satoshi thought, "That's true. But he doesn't need to know that."

Continuing on out loud, he said, " Those hips, such grace..." He hid his grin at the quickly angering blonde.

"You only like Dark because he makes the Niwa more..." He smirked suggestively.

Satoshi didn't even bother to answering Krad, who was obviously ranting again. (And completely right.) In his silence, Krad began to remember where this conversation started.

"You're just trying to distract me! You dirty little..."

_Snip. _Half a second later, _clank._

Krad froze. "No. You didn't. You wouldn't! You couldn't. You didn't?" By the end, Krad was whimpering. Looking down, upon seeing his beloved hair, he began to sob. Satoshi looked through his eyes and saw something that made him want to sing! And that wouldn't be pretty for anyone. But he was elated, all the same.

Below them, was about five feet of hair, with a cross at the end, _still floating! _The cross had hit the floor, signaling the _clank_ that had triggered Krad's mental breakdown. Satoshi began cheering, though none except Kraddykinz could hear him. Satoshi began to regain feeling in his toes, before steeling his mind, blocking Krad from changing back, with much less trouble than it took to keep him in.

"Sato-sama! If you truly loved me, you would change back."

Daisuke interrupted, "But wouldn't that be incest?"

Satoshi, taking control over their voice, replied, "No. But it would be pretty close. And, in answer to you question, Krad, I don't truly love you. In fact, I don't love you in the slightest. Which makes this all the more amazing." 

Controlling their feet, he turned to Magnus, who had been watching in amusement. "Is it time for makeup yet? Or perhaps those rainbow leather sparkle pants that I've heard so much about?"

Krad, desperate to evade the fashionista, cried, "What about the Niwa? Wouldn't he be better suited to those...um...pants?

Magnus, now studying Dai-chan, said, "No. He would be better suited to a demon hunting outfit. Alec, Sweetheart? Could be possibly borrow yours?"

He sighed before asking, "The new one or the ones that you bedazzled?

"Oooh! Get the prettyful ones! I think those ones have red sparkles on them. Now, tamer, which would you like better? Straightened hair, or give you an emo cut, like Aley? Or maybe slick it back? I think... HEY! Where'd he go?"

Daisuke had fled the premises the moment he heard the word _bedazzled_. No way in the Second Hand of Time was he wearing a _be-frickin'-dazzled outfit! _He had to wear enough of that shit for Emiko and Dark. Currently, he was sitting in a booth at a little diner, Taki's. About an hour later, he was running down Main Street naked, with antlers on his head. There were pictures. And a _veeeery_ interesting post on Facebook. Which of course, was quickly deleted with the slight help of Dai-chan's hacking skills.

Back at Maggie's penthouse, some scary shit was goin' down.

"No! No! No! Back o-"

That was all Krad could say before Alec tackled him quite mercilessly. 

"Nobody attacks Magnus and gets away with it! Except Clary. Cause she scares me." Alec whimpered.

"I know. Shhhhh. Lullaby, lullaby, something about a cradle, and a kid falling out of a tree, lalala..."

By that point Alec was curled up on the ground, Chairman Meow sitting quite comfortably on his chest, purring. Alec, of course, was not aware that Chairman Meow had opposable thumbs and was painting Alec's nails at that very moment. A _very_...um..._interesting _shade of pink. Of course, in previous years, Alec would have been terrified of what Jace would say, but now there was only one word for what Jace was. And it was: _Whipped._

The moment that Alec was out, Magnus began chasing Krad around the room, leaping over chairs, and clothes, and endless pots of make-up. What they didn't realize was that the door had blown open when Alec had tackled Krad against it. And now it was filled with people.

There was a guy crouching on the ground wearing baggy grey clothing. "There is a 7% chance that the blonde one is enjoying this." Krad proceeded to bang his head against the wall. "6%."

Now the brunette next to him said, "Nah, I think he likes it. I know I would." He began drooling, ever so slightly, and then looked hopeful. "I think that there's a 99.99% chance that he's Kira!"

"Nice try," said the one crouching. "Only I can make the percentages. I am the Master of the Percentages."

Krad then threw a pot of makeup at them. "Hey, can you hand me that pot, Kira?"

"Sure thing, L." He then realized what he had said. "Shit. I was... possessed?"

"87%."

A tall, skinny, highly sparkly guy was glaring at them. "Get out," Magnus hissed. "Unless..." His face immediately brightened. "You want a makeover, too? Yay! I'm going to go get the leather pants!"

The two men hovering in the doorway shared a look then, in perfect unison, said, "Run." _SLAM!_ The door was still vibrating from the force of which they closed it. The pair was walking through Central Park, just beginning to calm down when they were suddenly surrounded, then pulled toward a pond in the middle of the park. Then some sort of faerie pushed them into the water, and, in their haste to get away they fell into the light of the moon, and were swallowed up by the earth and danced with the Court of Seelie until they died.

Back at the penthouse, Magnus was still fighting magical feather and super sparkly nail to make Krad presentable. By now he was sporting slicked back hair, like a Greaser, wearing a pink V-neck short-sleeved shirt with the words "Have _you_ seen a hot elf in a fur bikini lately?". Magnus had also wrangled his victim half way into a pair of leather sparkle pants, but had not finished, so the purple boxers with gold wings on them that Magnus had gotten onto him–with magic of course.

"I will kill you when I get out of here! No! Don't come any closer with those abominations that you call shoes!" Magnus had, by now, gotten the pants on and had moved on to torture via shoe.

Meanwhile, Dark sat outside the door, eavesdropping gleefully.

"Aw, come on, you big sissy. They're the most fashionable thing you could pull off! I mean, look at these! I love them, and I am giving them to you!" He looked annoyed. In a significantly quieter tone he continued, "Of course, they really weren't my color. I'm more of a covered-in-sparkles kind of guy." Raising his voice, he threatened, "And if you don't want the shoes we can always move onto makeup..."

"What are you talking about? I love these shoes! I was thinking of wearing them full time!" Krad was babbling, a terrified expression on his face. Satoshi, meanwhile was following Alec's example, who was snickering in a corner, having finally woken up from his lullaby-induced power-nap.

"YAY! Well then, put them on! Don't waste another second looking like a fashion challenged, fail at life, half drunken angel!"

"Ummmmm...no I don't?" Krad looked a bit pleased that he had escaped the threat of makeup.

"Okay, time for the best part of the night! MAKEUP!" Magnus sang.

Or not.

"Bu–bu–but y–you...you promised!" Krad looked on the verge of tears.

"Um, warlock! What did you expect? A pretty little pony?" Magnus scoffed.

"You _lied_ to me? No! You wouldn't! You couldn't! WHY!" Krad now actually had tears running down his face.

Magnus promptly slapped him. Across the face. With a chair. "STOP IT! Your face _needs_ to be dry. Otherwise, the makeup will run and you will look like a trashy Lion King actor on hangover. And, as attractive as that is, _you_ would look like an idiot."

"Hey!" Alec said looking delighted.

"What? Alec, darling? Did wa blwonde cweeper scawe you?" Magnus cooed.

Alec looked more than a little bit disturbed. "Ummmm... no. I just... lost my stele?" He hoped that his slightly bipolar boyfriend would buy it.

"Oh! Well, then. I'll help you find it! I'll go look in the closet!" Magnus Bane stood and rushed out of the room and flung open the doors to his freakin' _massive_, walk in, two story, color coordinated closet.

"Hey! Blondie! Up! ...NOW!" Alec hissed to Krad quietly.

"Wh-what? What are you talking about?" Krad still had silent tears running down his face.

"Do you want to escape or what?" Alec looked a bit exasperated.

"Why? Why would you help me? He's your boyfriend..." Krad looked downright bewildered. Not a common feeling for the Hikari.

"'Cause. I've been in your shoes before. You think I originally looked like this?" He pulled a picture out of his wallet. Krad gasped.

"That's _you?_" Krad looked horrified.

"Yep. And you'll change just as much if you don't leave. _Now!_" Alec walked over to the blonde and cut the duct tape off his hands. When _that_ got there, he didn't know. And, to be fair, he didn't really care.

After a split second, Krad was standing in the doorway, looking like he had just been given a mission from God. Or, whomever the hell he believed in…

He turned back to face Alec Lightwood. "Thank you. _Sooooo_ much. You have no idea. I probably never would have–"

"Really? I hear footsteps! Unless you wanna stay here for the next month, get the hell out!"

"Point taken." Without another word, the winged wonder ran from the apartment.

Alec grinned, and began to walk towards the closet. He opened the doors and addressed the pair of men who were sitting on plush armchairs, drinking something.

"Well, he's gone."

The one in the black armchair grinned, looking highly amused. "Well, he lasted longer than I thought he would. At one point, I thought he'd make Creepy Bastard slit his own throat! Pity. He had too much self-control." Dark mused.

"Dark Mousy, you have no idea how hard that was for me. To intentionally make someone _that_ ugly! Jeez! Never again, Dark. Never." Even Magnus looked delighted.

Alec chimed in, "I wonder how long before he notices..."

"What? That he's dressed in lime green polka-dotted pants, a turquoise plaid shirt, a terra-cotta scarf with cockroaches patterned on it, and clown shoes? Not to mention that his hair is actually died in stripes of pink and green? Or that he has clown makeup on? The bedazzled headband? The purple hoops? I'm guessing, maybe... three, two, one." All three men tilted their heads, listening.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'LL KILL YOU, DARK MOUSY! AND YOU, WEIRD WARLOCK. AND THE WARLOCK'S BOYFRIEND! Well, probably. I mean, would it be worse if they'd had more time?" Krad slapped himself. "Not the point! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, NIWA!"

Suddenly, Daisuke took control of the body and walked to the window. He looked down at Krad, and immediately burst out laughing. Then he stopped, turning to Magnus. "Wait... That shit will come off, right? 'Cause, I'm not going on a date with Satoshi-kun looking like that..." He shuddered.

Magnus grinned. "Yeah, it'll come off as soon as your boyfriend takes over the body." Daisuke walked away. Once the redhead was out of sight, he added, "Eventually..."

Alec shook his head, then walked back to the couch, restarting Project Runway. Magnus went back to painting his nails, and Chairman Meow resumed looking for new cat beds on the Internet.

Ah, a regular day in the life of a supernatural creature...

THE END!

Shizuka: IT WAS ALL PLANNED. Not that I knew that. Nati was being awesome and wrote most of this. But I was there. And I wrote the thing with Krad screaming at the beginning. Yay. Haha. Anyway. I hope you liked this!


End file.
